Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Live & Dance as if No One is Watching

My thoughts today came as a result of reading Rachels blog this morning. She hit upon things that I have been trying to do, or wishing I could do. Isn't it a shame that children learn at such a young age how to be selfconscious and embarassed? Then we carry that through with us into the adult years.

For many, many years I took myself very seriously. Now, there is nothing wrong with looking seriously at the appropriate things, but it is wrong to loose your inner child or your sense of silliness. One day, at school, last year I was wearing a pair of my Chuck Taylor high tops, I have 5 pairs in various colors, and one of my students said," I like your shoes. I have never seen a grownup where those" and I replied," Who says I am grown-up?" I think that sums it up. Even though we might be "of age" and all that, why do we have to always be so controlled and afraid to experience things?

For years I was very rigid and thought that I had to fit a certain mold. Belong to all the right organizations, clubs and civic organizations. Make my kid play all the correct sports and join student council and boy scouts. I wanted to be a PTO mom and a joiner. I wanted to shop from L.L. Bean and Eddie Bauer catalogs. I smothered the artist and creative me that I had been in my early 20's. I even went so far as to listen to more acceptable music!! What had happened to me!!!!!????

I wanted to hang out with women that lived in the cool, box house developments. Go to Mary-Kay and Tupperware parties. I wanted them to like and accept me, so I tried to dress and act like them. I smothered me and became a Stepford Wife.

Suddenly, in the last 2-3 years I have started to let myself find myself. I began to let my perceptions change. I started to look at all those people that I wanted to be like, and I began to see that they were not me or even what/who I wanted to be. I stopped pushing my son into crap and let him be him. He is a skater, has been for at least 10 years, and there is nothing wrong with that. Life will not end for him if he does not play sports for his school. My life will not be anything less if he does not join student council.

I found my music again and I don't care what others are listening to and if my friends prefere something else, so be it, we are all unique!! I am re-discovering my fashion sense. I am back to Goodwill and the thrift stores and I don't even pick up a fashion magazine or care whatever is "currently in style". I missed too much in all the years that I was trying to fit in. Rachel had a great quote," How much joy, fun and growth do I let pass me by because I am too worried about what other people might think to take a chance?"

That is why I am now out there taking chances. Nothing dangerous, like jumping out of airplanes, although if I wanted to I would! I am trying very hard not to look at situations and people as disadvatages, but rather as opportunities for growth. not that it is always easy, but the best we can do is to try. When I lost my job I could have gotten all crazy and depressed, but instead I looked around to see where the growth might be. I found a class to take, decided that unemployment would not be the end of the world and got a part-time job. I am re-inventing who I am and what I do and I am doing it daily now. I started a journal and write in it almost daily. I began a blog. I am trying to be positive every day. Not that I am, but trying is the important thing. It is an exciting time and that is because I am letting it happen. I am not trying to change it or make it more acceptable to anyone.

I have actually been pleasantly surprised by people that tell me how cool it is, or how lucky I am to be starting over with a new career. People actually are envying me! Imagine that. I am trying to look at all people in a new light and not judging any of them as I want them to try not to judge me. All, easier said than done, but worth trying.

I am trying to live & dance on my own terms and to my own choices of music!!


Anonymous said...

It's funny, but a lot of women are going through what you're going through right now. I think we all have a point in our lives where we think, "Screw it! I'm just going to be me!" I had this reaction when I was younger, just because I can't be anyone but me! And I wouldn't want my daughter to be anyone else but her!


Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dawg said...

I agree with both you and Mixter...dance to your own kind of music. Dharma,I have always thought of you as a free spirit.