Saturday, May 22, 2010

Getting off the Roller Coaster

This past year has been one big ass, crazy, out-of-control roller coaster ride for me. Hopefully I will get some closure, and medication, on Monday that will make it all seem right.

Seeing this new doctor on Monday has me all excited. I have been planning what I want to say to her ,and the quickest and easiest way to say it, for a few days now. I also know that there is a very good chance that I will start to cry and may not be able to stop for some time, so I hope she has a good chunk of time set aside for this new patient!

Due to all my anxiety and whackadoo, nut job craziness I am now appreciating the "step down" that I took from my management position at work, but most definitely not the drop in pay! That part sucks and now I have new stress and anxiety over that!! Just figures. Hubby has been very supportive over this change and has reminded me over and over again that he has thought that I did too much for them for years. He is happy that I am doing less and have more time to myself. It has made me ask myself what was I thinking when I took that promotion.

Just like anything I always take a job or activity to heart and become immersed and want to be an ultimate achiever and get sucked into the system and get to the top etc. I am trying to let go of that behavior. I am trying to say, "I just don't care."

I am also going to go back to substitute teaching this fall. Now that the economy is not so bad and schools around here are holding steady I could sub somewhere that could end up as a job opportunity. I am also looking into starting one class towards my masters. Nothing too crazy, but stuff that is more about me, us and my future. Hubby is traveling allot now, business has picked back up, and I could easily give up the insurance at this job if a permanent teaching job became available in this area.

I used to think that I had to be strong and put forth an image of thus, but trying to hold myself together this past year with all these chemical changes has been a real bitch! As have I. I have no doubt that I have been a total certifiable nut job. I have told hubby many times that if this is what mid life is going to be like that I want no part of it! I have been so desperate that twice I have called the suicide hot lines for help, but they pissed me off so much that I actually hung up on them!! Sadly they did not even try to call back and check on my safety or sanity!

Having tried all the herbal supplements etc., wine and pot I am truly of the belief that only good ol' pharmaceuticals are going to get me through this part of my life. The Internet has been a big help in researching and I feel like I am armed with enough info to make some rational choices. I am going with a legal pad of questions and hope to come out of there on my way to a happier and healthier version of me!

I have been on this ride for too long and have always hated rides! I am ready to get off.