Getting off the Roller Coaster

This past year has been one big ass, crazy, out-of-control roller coaster ride for me. Hopefully I will get some closure, and medication, on Monday that will make it all seem right.

Seeing this new doctor on Monday has me all excited. I have been planning what I want to say to her ,and the quickest and easiest way to say it, for a few days now. I also know that there is a very good chance that I will start to cry and may not be able to stop for some time, so I hope she has a good chunk of time set aside for this new patient!

Due to all my anxiety and whackadoo, nut job craziness I am now appreciating the "step down" that I took from my management position at work, but most definitely not the drop in pay! That part sucks and now I have new stress and anxiety over that!! Just figures. Hubby has been very supportive over this change and has reminded me over and over again that he has thought that I did too much for them for years. He is happy that I am doing less and have more time to myself. It has made me ask myself what was I thinking when I took that promotion.

Just like anything I always take a job or activity to heart and become immersed and want to be an ultimate achiever and get sucked into the system and get to the top etc. I am trying to let go of that behavior. I am trying to say, "I just don't care."

I am also going to go back to substitute teaching this fall. Now that the economy is not so bad and schools around here are holding steady I could sub somewhere that could end up as a job opportunity. I am also looking into starting one class towards my masters. Nothing too crazy, but stuff that is more about me, us and my future. Hubby is traveling allot now, business has picked back up, and I could easily give up the insurance at this job if a permanent teaching job became available in this area.

I used to think that I had to be strong and put forth an image of thus, but trying to hold myself together this past year with all these chemical changes has been a real bitch! As have I. I have no doubt that I have been a total certifiable nut job. I have told hubby many times that if this is what mid life is going to be like that I want no part of it! I have been so desperate that twice I have called the suicide hot lines for help, but they pissed me off so much that I actually hung up on them!! Sadly they did not even try to call back and check on my safety or sanity!

Having tried all the herbal supplements etc., wine and pot I am truly of the belief that only good ol' pharmaceuticals are going to get me through this part of my life. The Internet has been a big help in researching and I feel like I am armed with enough info to make some rational choices. I am going with a legal pad of questions and hope to come out of there on my way to a happier and healthier version of me!

I have been on this ride for too long and have always hated rides! I am ready to get off.

Gold Stars

My job is NOT who I am. It is not what defines me as a person, writer, wife, mother, friend etc. So...why then do I continue to let it bother me that my boss is a jerk that does not give out recognition, but rather uses people, manipulates and rarely treats you as well as you should be for the work that you do?

I have been arguing with myself, since yesterday, that I should not give a shit. That I should just let it go and act like I don't care. BUT I DO!! All morning as I was running at the gym and then while trying to do my yoga, and simply concentrate on my breath, I kept telling myself to get over it and just move on.

A hard task. I just spent a week trying to NOT have overtime in a company that does not like to see it happen. I worked a 12 hour day on Monday doing HIS work while he was on vacation. Payroll and other tasks that are really not in my job description yet, but he did not want to have to come in and do it all while on vacation, so he taught me how do it all. Something that is good for me to know prior to a promotion, BUT... I took great care to keep things smooth, keep spirits high as we are busier than we have ever been and shorter staffed than we have ever been as well.

It was one of the most exhausting weeks that I have ever worked. Yes, I did it all as part of my plan to prove my worthiness for a promotion, but there should always be a little recognition for a job well done. I took the time, often, through this past week to thank those that I worked with and even bought meals over the weekend for the entire store. I fully recognized how hard people were working and on what short fuses. We never seemed to have a slow down moment where one could catch their breath. Not one.

I even did an interview with a potential new hire that I thought was excellent and recommended that he hire this guy upon his return. I know that I am pretty much his flunky right now as he takes advantage of the fact that I have something to prove,BUT...

A little thank-you, a note, or just some recognition of the effort that was put forth. He knows that I worked a 12 hour day and did not even ask why. he knows that things were smoothly attended, but he has chosen to say nothing. He came back and got right back to work without a single word about the work that was done in his absence.

Hard to get over and even though I know that I should not even let it phase me...why does it? That job is just what I do for money to allow me to write AND have health insurance for John & I. So why do I care if he recognizes my contributions or not? I guess we all want someone to continue to tell us what a good job we are doing no matter what stage of life we find ourselves entering or leaving. I guess it all started with that first gold star in our first year of school. After that we were all hooked.

I am still chasing the gold star. Are we all?