Getting off the Roller Coaster

This past year has been one big ass, crazy, out-of-control roller coaster ride for me. Hopefully I will get some closure, and medication, on Monday that will make it all seem right.

Seeing this new doctor on Monday has me all excited. I have been planning what I want to say to her ,and the quickest and easiest way to say it, for a few days now. I also know that there is a very good chance that I will start to cry and may not be able to stop for some time, so I hope she has a good chunk of time set aside for this new patient!

Due to all my anxiety and whackadoo, nut job craziness I am now appreciating the "step down" that I took from my management position at work, but most definitely not the drop in pay! That part sucks and now I have new stress and anxiety over that!! Just figures. Hubby has been very supportive over this change and has reminded me over and over again that he has thought that I did too much for them for years. He is happy that I am doing less and have more time to myself. It has made me ask myself what was I thinking when I took that promotion.

Just like anything I always take a job or activity to heart and become immersed and want to be an ultimate achiever and get sucked into the system and get to the top etc. I am trying to let go of that behavior. I am trying to say, "I just don't care."

I am also going to go back to substitute teaching this fall. Now that the economy is not so bad and schools around here are holding steady I could sub somewhere that could end up as a job opportunity. I am also looking into starting one class towards my masters. Nothing too crazy, but stuff that is more about me, us and my future. Hubby is traveling allot now, business has picked back up, and I could easily give up the insurance at this job if a permanent teaching job became available in this area.

I used to think that I had to be strong and put forth an image of thus, but trying to hold myself together this past year with all these chemical changes has been a real bitch! As have I. I have no doubt that I have been a total certifiable nut job. I have told hubby many times that if this is what mid life is going to be like that I want no part of it! I have been so desperate that twice I have called the suicide hot lines for help, but they pissed me off so much that I actually hung up on them!! Sadly they did not even try to call back and check on my safety or sanity!

Having tried all the herbal supplements etc., wine and pot I am truly of the belief that only good ol' pharmaceuticals are going to get me through this part of my life. The Internet has been a big help in researching and I feel like I am armed with enough info to make some rational choices. I am going with a legal pad of questions and hope to come out of there on my way to a happier and healthier version of me!

I have been on this ride for too long and have always hated rides! I am ready to get off.

Going, Going, Gone!!

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Ever hear that one? Well, it's true.

I am solidly right in the middle of a break down. I am slowly circling the hole that will lead me into mental oblivion.

Still in my 40's I did not know what was happening to me.....I just thought that it was a year long extended session of PMS. Now we have the facts. It is the ugly word that I never thought that I would speak......MENOPAUSE. OMG!

I had the mental vision of this only happening to "older women". I never saw myself as someone that was heading into this area. Well, let me tell you I am standing knee deep smack in the middle of it and holding my nose as I sucked deep into the vortex.

I am trying to get into a new doctor since my old one, literally, has never mentioned it or talked to me about it. My mom says that she was totally done with it by the time she was my age. Done!? I can not imagine how that might be. From what I have been reading this could last for years. YEARS!!!!!!!! Are they serious. I may have to move into a quiet, padded room long before this is over.

During any day I dance through such a myriad of emotions that I don't know if I am coming or going! I have enough patience that would fit inside a thimble. Sleeping is a thing of the past. I just can't. Sleep. I toss and turn every night and that, in turn, sets me up for the emotional roller coaster that is the rest of my day.

I had talked to my "old" doc about this and he just told me to get more exercise and that it was okay to keep taking the night time PM sleep pills that I have been taking. As I stabbed him in the heart with his own pen I knew that it can not be good for my kidneys to keep taking this crap just to sleep each night. Did I also mention that I am taking them with a glass or two of wine? Oh yeah, that's safe!! Never has he mentioned that it might be the "M" word or that blood work might be necessary to see where all my hormone levels are. As if I have any left!! They have to be all wazoo. He said get more exercise....hell, I can't get out the door. I have been so depressed that I am lucky to even get dressed or go to work!

I found a new doc and am trying to get into her office. I have been reading a good deal about HRT and other drugs and I am ready to say,"Hook me up"!