Friday, April 23, 2010
Going, Going, Gone!!
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Ever hear that one? Well, it's true.
I am solidly right in the middle of a break down. I am slowly circling the hole that will lead me into mental oblivion.
Still in my 40's I did not know what was happening to me.....I just thought that it was a year long extended session of PMS. Now we have the facts. It is the ugly word that I never thought that I would speak......MENOPAUSE. OMG!
I had the mental vision of this only happening to "older women". I never saw myself as someone that was heading into this area. Well, let me tell you I am standing knee deep smack in the middle of it and holding my nose as I sucked deep into the vortex.
I am trying to get into a new doctor since my old one, literally, has never mentioned it or talked to me about it. My mom says that she was totally done with it by the time she was my age. Done!? I can not imagine how that might be. From what I have been reading this could last for years. YEARS!!!!!!!! Are they serious. I may have to move into a quiet, padded room long before this is over.
During any day I dance through such a myriad of emotions that I don't know if I am coming or going! I have enough patience that would fit inside a thimble. Sleeping is a thing of the past. I just can't. Sleep. I toss and turn every night and that, in turn, sets me up for the emotional roller coaster that is the rest of my day.
I had talked to my "old" doc about this and he just told me to get more exercise and that it was okay to keep taking the night time PM sleep pills that I have been taking. As I stabbed him in the heart with his own pen I knew that it can not be good for my kidneys to keep taking this crap just to sleep each night. Did I also mention that I am taking them with a glass or two of wine? Oh yeah, that's safe!! Never has he mentioned that it might be the "M" word or that blood work might be necessary to see where all my hormone levels are. As if I have any left!! They have to be all wazoo. He said get more exercise....hell, I can't get out the door. I have been so depressed that I am lucky to even get dressed or go to work!
I found a new doc and am trying to get into her office. I have been reading a good deal about HRT and other drugs and I am ready to say,"Hook me up"!