Thursday, June 11, 2009

You Just Never Know

Yesterday it became apparent that you just really never know what might be going on in other people's lives. Those you work with as well as those you might serve. people that you come in contact with every day and all day long.

I am one of those people who always goes to work with a good attitude. People think that I am always funny & goofy. They have a good time working with me. They can never tell what my personal life might be like. There are other people, and I am sure that you have worked with people like this, they are always an emotional wreck or have some sad story or wear their emotional baggage on their sleeves.

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday to discuss a promotional/reward program that they asked me to create/implement etc. As it was over he shared some news with me that nearly brought him to tears and me as well. Then I shared with him the drama that is currently going on in my life. he was quite surprised and said, " What a mess are we right now"! Yes, I said, but you know I never try to roll my problems to work in a wheelbarrow. He knows that is the truth.

Max left me a note yesterday that he is moving out. He is coming over today to discuss what his plans are etc.

I am torn between being crushed, feeling like a failure, or begging him to stay. I feel terrible. The last thing I am interested in right now is work!! I could not be working on that promotion at a more dysfunctional time!

He has no intention of going into the Navy. I know this because he came home with an entire "sleeve" on tattoo outlines on his arm. not that I am opposed to tats, but you know if you can't afford them and don't have a really good job to pay all your bills etc. that you should be holding off, but he has not. I am not even sure that he still has a job. At least not enough hours at one to pay the bills he currently has.

I know that I moved away from home at 18, but I also got a really good job AND was able to pay bills. I was also moving out of an abusive environment. Max has nothing like that going on here. We have always been supportive and done all kinds of things with and for him as an only child.

I do not know what he is thinking. I guess I will know in a few hours, but it does not stop me from feeling like a failure as a parent. It feels like after 18 years I did not do any of it right. I have not given him any direction. I did not do my job properly because he is floundering and does not know what to do. I watch all these people whose kids are graduating and going off to schools and careers and mine is just floating off into nothingness.........

He says that he is going to go and stay with his friend that just moved in with some people and it is a first apartment. Oh yeah! I am thrilled about this.

I have always been so good at putting on the stage face and not letting people know what my personal life was like. Maybe as the result of having grown up in such a dysfunctional home it was my coping mechanism. It makes me look at customers in an entirely different light. How do I know what happened to them this morning before they came in for their coffee? How do I know what their kids did or said to them this week?

John is leaving Monday and for the first time I will be totally alone. I will not have Max here to watch junk television with. No one to talk to about the newest You Tube videos. It will be totally & utterly quiet here.

He had such promise with his electrical engineering background. I know that you can not force anyone to do anything, but it is very hard to watch or sit by and just let them go, when you have no idea what they are going to. I am feeling stunned, shocked and dismayed right now and can not imagine where to go from here.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi,Dharma,just happened upon your blog.Though I am a father of three myself,I have very little advice to give you concerning your son except to continue being a great parent and continue loving him.While he maybe just trying to find the boundaries of what you might find socially acceptable to him,he may also be just mirroring your behavior.

Neither is either here,nor there.Remember that you are a good parent and that your son is a good son.Love him more.You don't have to approve of his behavior to love him.

He is at the age of making his own decisions.You have raised him well.While not every decision will be a winner,with you there to guide him,he will grown into a fine young man.

Good luck to you both