Marriage, Affairs & Economics

On my day off I usually like to read through many of the news publications that I don't often have time to read. Time, Newsweek, and the like. There was a particularly interesting article, at Time, that caught my attention. It is about the state of the American marriage.

I found this to be interesting because as I was reading other news about the various senators and their extramarital affairs it got me thinking. How much easier it is for these guys, who have unlimited funds to find easy ways, and have the funds to do so, cheat and do it for longer periods of time and not get caught.

Now, bear with me here, I am not thinking about it myself, but just realized how much harder it would be for the poorer of us to find ways to do such a thing. In order to cheat you must be able to go places, where you think you can not be discovered and when finances are quite limited that is not an option. One must have various electronic gadgets to communicate with said dalliance and if you are poor you might just have a basic cell phone with limited technology. Yes, technology would also seem to be important when one is considering an affair.

You must also have the ability to travel and/or get to out of the way places or countries where you risk less chance of being seen by friends, neighbors and colleagues. This would require sums of money. When one is barley able to afford McDonalds or a cheap bottle of wine getting out of town, let alone out of the country, city, or state, is out of the question.

What is the point? The Time article asks the question why do people still get married. It's not like it was in the old days when people were in arranged marriages, or needed to have many children to toil and till the family farm. Today you can choose to live together without the legal ties of marriage.

"The fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century is this: What is the purpose of marriage? Is it — given the game-changing realities of birth control, female equality and the fact that motherhood outside of marriage is no longer stigmatized — simply an institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure of the adults who enter into it? If so, we might as well hold the wake now: there probably aren't many people whose idea of 24-hour-a-day good times consists of being yoked to the same romantic partner, through bouts of stomach flu and depression, financial setbacks and emotional upsets, until after many a long decade, one or the other eventually dies in harness.

Or is marriage an institution that still hews to its old intention and function — to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood? Think of it this way: the current generation of children, the one watching commitments between adults snap like dry twigs and observing parents who simply can't be bothered to marry each other and who hence drift in and out of their children's lives — that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old."

I never asked myself that question before John & I got married. This week we will have been together for 16 years. It wasn't for the continuation of a family name, or just to have kids, you don't really have to be married for that. It was because we were both tired of the "dating" scene and wanted someone to "be with". Not someone different every night, week or month. We were both tired of everything else that was out there and now we are beginning to share the other side of life. The part where your crap starts to fall apart and the aches and pains begin. We have also seen each other through several down cycles and poorer times. Another which is due to begin in a few weeks when he returns from what is supposed to be his last job.

We are now so comfortable together that we have become quite similar in thoughts and actions. I am still more outgoing and he more introspective, but the way we react to the outside world is becoming quite the same. Maybe that is what marriage is all about. That the two people involved become really one. Maybe that is why it is so much easier if you do have less in the way of money and possessions. This way you do not yearn for things/people that you do not or can not have. You become happy and content with the things you do have and recognize their intrinsic value as opposed to yearning for the bigger, better or best.

I know many younger people who are still marrying or planning to marry. Yet, many can not tell you why. Aside from the fact that they want the fairy tale wedding or because it is what their parents or God want/expect them to do. I am not sure that I would again. I am not sure that it is even necessary. You can, and I would, still live together within the same boundries that I am living now. There would still be the commitment that I have now. There would just be no legal paper stating that fact. Although that does raise questions of ownership and other misc. if the partner should become ill etc. Insurance is another issue altogether.

No, in this day and age I am not sure that marriage is as important or as necessary as it used to be.

Phony Baloney

A week or so ago I had an experience. It was a slap in the face that I had never experienced. Until this particular day at the coffee shop.

I am what I am. I am the way I am and I don't try to come across as anything else, nor do I try to be different things to other people in other situations. If nothing else I am consistently ME!

A girl, that I know and have known for about 14 years and whose parents lived next door, came in to the coffee shop. I had known that she had gotten married in the last few years. I assumed that the khaki wearing, buttoned down shirt guy with her was the new hubby. Back when I had learned of her nuptials I was thrilled because she had dated quite a few different guys and none of the relationships had panned out.

When they came into the shop I noticed her right away and hollered out a ,"Hi"!, and was met with a look and such a half-hearted hello that I was immediately put in my place!! I was totally ignored. When they finally ordered and paid she introduced the hubby, but only told him my name and no mention of how we knew each other and just left it at that!! There was no mention of how we lived next door to her parents, how she spent a couple of summers house sitting and our dogs used to hang out together. We used to have beers and wine in the summers outside on the porch. Nothing but a perfunctory intro to the hubby and a quick exit from the store.

Then there was the dramatic change in her look as well. She is a hair dresser who has a few tattoos and has always been a little bit wild, but this particular day we saw a dramatic change in wardrobe, khaki pants and a plain button down and very "mom like" hair. This new hubby has two young kids from his previous marriage.

I have nothing against taking on the raising of kids and making a home, but to totally make over who you are to fit some neighborhood image of who you should be....that pisses me off. I think it is phony. Even when Max played football, I never fit in with those people/parents, but I remained true to myself and made the best of it. I never set about to re-make my image so they would accept me. That is my big issue here.
Be yourself! If you can not be accepted for yourself then why are you even with those people?

I know that I have gone through some people in all these years, but have held onto those who are/have been good friends. They have accepted me as I am and I have accepted them. That is what true friends do.

No baloney!!

Marriage or Motherhood?

While looking through the other blogs on my list I came across a topic that caught my attention, made me think and then to write.

Over at Dooce the topic of marriage and motherhood was the debate. Which do/did we find easier. Wow! What a topic. At first I laughed and thought,"Are either of them easy?" Then as I decided to make them part of my dialog today I looked more deeply in to both of them.

While I am currently directly involved with both of them, Max is 18 and has not left for the Navy yet and still married, I have pause to reflect upon each of them.

I was once under the assumption that as your children got older that it would become easier and far less expensive. How little I knew!! I think other parents keep this information to themselves so that others will have to go through the same experiences as they did. It must be part of the rites of parental passage. I thought that once they were through the diapers and inoculations it could only get easier. I must have been crazed as part of the sleep deprivation!

Now their "toys" are far more costly, they eat tons more food and leave bigger messes and it is FAR harder to control them and tell them what to do or what to wear. You have to repeat yourself countless times and they are far too big to put in a "time out" chair.

But...if I have to decide if it is easier than marriage......I think that I might say NO.

Trying to navigate life in a marriage can be difficult for sure, but hopefully it is with a person that you also consider a friend. Something that doesn't come with children until they are older. During those diaper years you have to be a parent and not a friend. Your marriage can be a partnership, if you are lucky enough to get to that point before you kill each other, it can be an anchor in your life.

Not always, in the early years it can be quite difficult to navigate the waters of a new marriage. I remember times when I felt like a maid until we worked our way into the niches that we have today. I think the first 10 years were the "negotiating" years. The time of feeling our way through the highs and lows of setting up a home and then you add the kids and you have a brewing cauldron of emotions!!

I don't think it was easy to negotiate with children, but far easier to do so with John. He actually worked around me and let me find myself, but there is not really any time to do that with your kids. Many of the decisions that must be made, when they are small, have to be made off the cuff and instantaneously.

When I reflect on both I know that there are things that I wish I would have done differently as a mom, but as a wife/person in a relationship I think it has been something with far fewer regrets. I have mellowed into the relationship that we have and look forward to what the future will bring. I think that motherhood was harder and has given me FAR more gray hair than anything that has come from my relationship.

How about you guys?

What Do I Know

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for work and listening to the morning talk radio, the morning wonks had a contest with this question, "What do you really know for sure"?, and I thought hmmmmmmmmm, that is interesting. It made me think about my life and many things. Thought that it would make an interesting topic for a blogging. So here goes...."What Do I Know for Sure"?........

I know that I can answer that question now at 40ish FAAAAARRRRRR better than I could have at 20ish. It is so amazing how much more focus you have when you do hit 40. I have a far greater ability to look at my life and appreciate it for what it is, and I have. I know that there are things I might like to have and do, but they are not gnawing away at me and I am not pining away because I do not have them, or can not do them.

I know that my personal relationships mean so much more. I don't surround myself with countless numbers of "mean nothing" people just so I always have people to go out with or do something with. I have friends that have value to me. They might be low in numbers, but high on what we can give to each other. I know that I don't take on friends lightly. I am much choosier about those that I spend my time with. Quality has taken over for quantity!

I know how valuable time really is and I don't waste it on frivolous pursuits. I only do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have stopped spreading myself so thin. I say "no" to things. There are days when I will just have a glass of wine and watch junk food television! I may not even answer the phone! That is my time.. There are calls that can wait. I know that spending time on and with myself is a very valuable tool. I have a mental state that is much more intact!! I know that "I" used to come last in the line of things that I took care of, and now "I" come first!

I know how important my own health and physical care should be. That is why I started to eat better and take supplements and herbs. I started running. I write and read much more. These things are important to my overall well-being. This I know. You have to take care of the whole package or how can you be of value to others?

I know that I have finally found a place in life where I can love what I do and not care what others think about what it is I do. Used to be that I wanted to be able to impress with my career/work. Now I am happy that I am able to be with people I enjoy and have a job with minor responsibility, yet a good time. Not to mention the great health care plan!!

I know that I have reached a place in life, with my partner, that is a place of great comfort. I have come to a place of peace within my relationship. I have learned how to be a calming force. A giver. I know how important honesty is in a relationship. Commitment is a powerful entity. I know that by only being comfortable and happy with myself am I happy with someone else. I know that I can give more when I am full.

I know that I have finally become someone that that I am comfortable with and happy to be. How about you.... what do you know for sure?