Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Exhausted, Overwhelmed, Done & Giving Up
I am tired. I am tired & exhausted. That means tired and ready to give up. Tired of trying to work 2 jobs and get to the point where I am able to establish that second career. if I even thought that I might be bale to make it to, or through, paramedic school I now ask myself, "what was I thinking?"
It is just sheer craziness. I am getting tired of always trying to be "up" and bouy everyone else. I am also getting sick of trying to always be positive for everyone else. Where is the help for me? Where is my cheering section? Doesn't matter... it's too late now.
Here it is, only Tuesday, and already I can barely make it through the dishes, let alone get the laundry out of the dryer, and think about sheets or what I might have to do tomorrow!! I am ready, really ready, to just trash it all and just stay at home and do nothing and let myself be supported for awhile.
I am exhausted trying to take care of details and work 2 places and try and be everything to everyone else. How did I get to this point? How is it that som people can fall in a pile of shit and find their way to a life of "easy street" and I have had to work so damn hard for all these years? I guess I am just starting to get a bit resentful and jealous.
I'll admit it. With all my philosophical chatter I am still prone to the same human weaknesses. I want it all without having all the work. I am tired of having to work so hard. I want some of the fun without all the work.
My good friend just had a boyfriend that flew her to Florida to take care of his condo for a few days. How do people find that stuff? How do some get so fortunate? Why do others always have to struggle? I guess it all boils down to the fact that I am tired of the struggle and I do not think that I can put up the fight any longer.
What has brought this all on? Well, it is all too lengthy to delve in to, but a bottle and a few extra glasses of wine and an already too busy week have not helped. or ahould I say that they have contributed greatly. It is a good thing for spell check!!
It does not matter if anyone even reads this or even responds. I am just using it as an outlet. I also just notice that it has been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. I don't even have anything worthwhile to talk about right now because I am always too tired and too busy. I am lucky to have to stop in and see what you all are doing, maybe make a comment or two, and then it is either off to work or off to bed.
The fun never ends.