Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Exhausted, Overwhelmed, Done & Giving Up

I am tired. I am tired & exhausted. That means tired and ready to give up. Tired of trying to work 2 jobs and get to the point where I am able to establish that second career. if I even thought that I might be bale to make it to, or through, paramedic school I now ask myself, "what was I thinking?"

It is just sheer craziness. I am getting tired of always trying to be "up" and bouy everyone else. I am also getting sick of trying to always be positive for everyone else. Where is the help for me? Where is my cheering section? Doesn't matter... it's too late now.

Here it is, only Tuesday, and already I can barely make it through the dishes, let alone get the laundry out of the dryer, and think about sheets or what I might have to do tomorrow!! I am ready, really ready, to just trash it all and just stay at home and do nothing and let myself be supported for awhile.

I am exhausted trying to take care of details and work 2 places and try and be everything to everyone else. How did I get to this point? How is it that som people can fall in a pile of shit and find their way to a life of "easy street" and I have had to work so damn hard for all these years? I guess I am just starting to get a bit resentful and jealous.

I'll admit it. With all my philosophical chatter I am still prone to the same human weaknesses. I want it all without having all the work. I am tired of having to work so hard. I want some of the fun without all the work.

My good friend just had a boyfriend that flew her to Florida to take care of his condo for a few days. How do people find that stuff? How do some get so fortunate? Why do others always have to struggle? I guess it all boils down to the fact that I am tired of the struggle and I do not think that I can put up the fight any longer.

What has brought this all on? Well, it is all too lengthy to delve in to, but a bottle and a few extra glasses of wine and an already too busy week have not helped. or ahould I say that they have contributed greatly. It is a good thing for spell check!!

It does not matter if anyone even reads this or even responds. I am just using it as an outlet. I also just notice that it has been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. I don't even have anything worthwhile to talk about right now because I am always too tired and too busy. I am lucky to have to stop in and see what you all are doing, maybe make a comment or two, and then it is either off to work or off to bed.

The fun never ends.


The Drew said...

I maybe only a fan club of one,but you don't haveto up for me or pretend for me eother.It is always darkest before dawn,you took on this great load because you have a dream.I beg you to kep with it no matter how hard it is for you.Going to Fla. maybe nice,but what you are doibg for yourself -turning your life into something-is what most people-mself included -dream of doing but never do.Envy is a two way street.Things are tuff nowBUT YOU CAN-YOU SHOULD-CONTINUE GOING FORWARD.I beleve in you.I am somewhat living through you.I want you to succeed as much as you do!Stay the course.Go for it!Just do it.Whatever it takes.There will be better days:-)

I beleive in you.I care for you.You can!

Anonymous said...

Add me to the fan club!

Maybe the coffee mega-giant can do without you? I'd hate to see you give up the EMT thing after all your hard work.

Funny thing: I quit my job on Monday. I guess you aren't the only one fed up, eh? (I posted about it today...)

Sometimes quitting is okay. Just make sure it's the right thing to do before you do it. It took me a long time to decide that I had enough. Now I'm looking forward to my next great adventure.

Whatever you decide to do is the right decision. I am rooting for you, hon!


Dharma said...

Thank you both for your kind & thoughful words. It has been a few more days since I have been able to get on here, but I have had time to regroup and plan to blog about it this morning.

Thanks for caring!!

Mixter, good luck with your new path as well.